Rain expected for the next two days in Berlin, but not the bitter cold. Today, it rained in the morning, was sunny for most of the afternoon, and now it's back to grey for the evening, with possibilities for showers.

Went to the exercise room today, the first time in about a month; sloth overtook me, because of the hideous weather. Trying to get back to some balance; Berlin really knocked the wind out of me.

The question is: why? And the answer is: i've never been alone so much in my life. I didn't even come out of the womb by myself! During my junior high years, i did go through the usual existential crisis, and i felt totally alienated. But who am i kidding? I've never been alone. Lonely, at times, but never alone.

And now i am alone. And i've never been away from New York City for more than three months at a stretch. All that adds up to the fact that i was particularly vulnerable in the past few weeks. I might have been able to handle the horrorshow of the Berlinale, if i didn't feel exposed. But it was just one more pileup of the hideousness i've experienced in this city.

Yet on Friday, i decided to actually walk around the neighborhood where i'm staying. I've walked in the direction of the Freie Universitat, and i've even found shortcuts. But i never just walked around to see what's here. It's still not that much, but it's a little more than i thought.

But (as mentioned previously) i always fixate on the negative. Once, when i was applying for a grant, i needed four recommendations. So i sent a little note to 30 people, asking them if they'd write me a reference. And only one person said no. But 29 people said yes. But it didn't matter: that one person was the one that got to me.

It's always like that.

One thing is that i've been going to see a lot of movies. Ok, i missed my chance at the Berlinale (by the first weekend, there were so many complaints that the old policy, where badgeholders were let in to the official press screenings if there was enough space, and there usually was because those screenings were at the Palast, which is huge, was reinstated, but i'd been avoiding the whole mess), but i've been seeing a lot of movies. "It's Complicated". "Invictus". "Up In the Air". A lot of these movies, i wouldn't have seen because when i'm home, i only go to the press screenings i'm invited to, which tend to be foreign and independent films and documentaries. I mean: i even saw "Avatar" in 3D! Now i can't wait to see "Alice in Wonderland" in 3D.