Thursday, April 06, 2006

Agh! Went to the BBC America website, and found out that the actor's name is Ken Stott... but on the end credits of "The Vice" i thought it said Eddie Stott. Anyway, he's also starring in "Messiah" (which was so creepy in its first season that i could barely watch it).

I blew up at my mother, but now i apologized. I'm always doing that. One day, i'm going to stop....

Maybe the reason i feel so depressed is that i'm so isolated. Nobody calls me. When we moved, we got digital phone service so that we wouldn't have to change our phone number, since we've had this number for 25 years. But nobody calls. Not for me, anyway. So here i am, stuck in Brooklyn, and i'm utterly alone. Larry goes to his openings and art events, and he's out every day. Unless there are press screenings, there's no reason for me to go anywhere. And so i'm stuck here. I don't know anyone around here. Nobody calls me. I remember once, i decided i wouldn't call anyone for a month. And sure enough, nobody called me. That was a few years ago. The other day, i called a bunch of people. And nobody called back. And the people i called still haven't called back. It just makes me feel more alienated.

Yesterday was the first time i've mentioned Kenny ever on this blog. For me, his death was the most traumatic of all the deaths in my life. (The very next day, after he died, i had my first attack of gout.) I miss my grandmother, and my father, and Pauline.... those were some of the people who were so close to me. But i miss Kenny so much. I remember him always saying to Larry and me, "You are my gay parents." "You are my family." Of course, we actually were: we were listed as his "designated next of kin", and when he died, we were able to sign all the death certificates (which didn't happen when his brother David died: there was no designated next of kin, and there had to be court orders before the body could be released.)

I've been trying to write about Kenny, but it's very difficult, because i don't want to let it slide into some sort of horrible sentimentality, the sentimentality of abjection (as seen in JT Leroy). But i'll see what happens....


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